it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
