Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize