I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
