Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
