They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
