As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
