It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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