If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
