the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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