hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize