i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
