I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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