she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
