He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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