I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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