I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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