Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
