I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
the raccoons are back...
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