How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
