Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize