Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
