You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
