Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
