Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize