I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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