So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
