Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
