My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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