dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
