oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
