somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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