Jerry, you need to find god
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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