We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
