i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
