I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
