how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Never joke about your clitoris.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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