My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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