i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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