: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
