if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
