You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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