If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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