i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
