I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
