Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
