I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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