I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
