I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
