she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
