don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
