There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
