just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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