True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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