so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
