He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
