Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My life is pants optional.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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