when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
