i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
