ya dads aren't the best wingmen
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
